The “May I / Can You” Exercise: Asking for What You Want in the Bedroom

Communication is sexy. Sounds simple, right? But for many people, asking for what you want - or saying no to what you don’t - is surprisingly hard. That’s where the “May I / Can You” exercise comes in.

It’s a fun, structured way to practice asking for touch, boundaries, or pleasure, and it works for solo play, couples, throuples… basically anyone with a body and curiosity.

What it is:

The exercise is straightforward:

• “May I…” — Use this when you want to do something to yourself or your partner. Example: “May I touch your back like this?”

• “Can you…” — Use this when you want your partner to do something. Example: “Can you hold my hand while I explore?”

The focus of this exercise is to begin noticing what an authentic yes, a hell yes, feels like in your body.

How to do the exercise:

Key Guidelines:

• No physical actions will take place at any point in this exercise.

• The focus is on internal body cues - tension, ease, resistance, warmth, contraction, etc.

• Go slowly. Check in with yourself between responses.

  There are no right or wrong answers - only honest noticing.

The Exercise:

Sit across from a partner.

Take turns asking questions in the format:

“May I _______?” or “Can you _______?”

(Touch-based questions are encouraged, but use what resonates.)

Spend like 15 minutes in each phase - can do more if you’re still noticing.

I encourage you to throw in a variety of questions from silly, to serious, to sexy, to absurd.
“Can you make me a sandwich?”
“May I put a wet finger in your ear?”
”May I scratch your scalp?”
“Can you put me in a trash bag and throw me in the garbage?”
”Can you suck my ___body part___?”

Phase 1: Only “No”

• Every response must be “no.”

• No actions are taken - this is a felt experience only.

• Notice:

  • What does it feel like to say “no” to something you don’t want (authentic no)?

  • What does it feel like to say “no” to something you do want (inauthentic no)?

Phase 2: Only “Yes”

• Every response must be “yes.”

• No actions are taken.

• Notice:

  • What does it feel like to say “yes” to something you do want (authentic yes)?

  • What does it feel like to say “yes” to something you don’t want (inauthentic yes)?

Phase 3: Real Choice

• Respond to each question with a genuine “yes” or “no” - whatever feels true in the moment.

• Still no actions are taken.

• Notice:

  • What happens in your body when you give yourself full permission to choose?

  • Are your answers aligned with what you want, or what you think you should say?